I am so glad that I'm not obsessed
with Nebraska football

Hey man, here's something I've always wondered about: What does the 'N' on Nebraska's football helmet stand for? Knowledge, of course! Ha!

Oh, those Cornholer fans. They're really a pathetic bunch, hanging all their hopes on that murderous group of thugs they call a football team there. It must be a sad existence to know that the state of your entire life depends on the fate of a college football team. But then again, there's else nothing else in that godforsaken hellhole to pay attention to, anyways, unless ugly  farm wives float your boat. So what the hell. It's like, the one thing that they do halfway good. Just not as good as the Buffs!

Every day when I wake up, I look at the map of the United States that's tacked up over that hole in the wall in my room where I keep my blow. I look at the state of Nebraska on that map and thank God Almighty that my parents sent me here to the University of Colorado. It's nothing like that god-awful third-world country to the east at all. I've seen Nebraska from Interstate 80, and dude, if I lived there I'd kill myself. It's so lame, unlike Colorado which is cool. Here, we've got Californians, mountains, money, skiing, an occasional CNN reporter or two in town every few years, and mountains. Oh, and better food, too, which reminds me: I had a Nebraska grad over for dinner last night ... the pizza was late, and he still wanted a tip! Ha!

And now, we're better than those dumb hicks in football, too. That pretty much makes us better than Nebraska in, well, everything now. And you know that's got to be killin' them, man. My friend who lives in Omaha says people there are ready to slash their wrists over it. And I believe him, at least from what I saw from those pathetic losers when they came out to Boulder last year. Like, me and a couple of friends had some shirts made up that said "Huskers Suck and Crouch Swallows," and when I wagged one in some old Cornholer's face as he walked by, he got all, like, mad at me. I told him to go back to his dirt farm. He didn't think that was very funny, either, so we threw a couple of full beer cans at him and this crusty old blue-haired lady he was with. A-hole. How can someone be so pathetic?

Hey -- do you know why they play on cardboard at Memorial Stadium? Because it keeps the Nebraska cheerleaders from grazing! Ha! Have you gotten a look at those sows lately? They really shouldn't be let into the stadium. Of course, it's best to not have any females on the sidelines when the Huskers play, because their outlaw players will be assaulting them before you know it. Dude, NU is made up of a whole bunch of criminal thugs, like Lawrence Phillips and Christian Laettner and a bunch of other guys I can't remember right now. In fact, I hear that Nebraska's student-athletes have now adopted a new honor system: "Yes your honor, no your honor..." Ha!

Dude, I'm soooo glad the Buffs crushed the 'Holers last year. It would have really sucked if I wouldn't have been able to see them beat the Cornsuckers at least once in my six years here at CU. I hadn't been inside the football stadium for a few years, but it was totally worth it having to learn my way around Folsom Field again to see that thumpin' first-hand. I was so stoked after the win, that I went out and bought a new Buffs t-shirt. I hadn't had one in a while, cause some chick threw up on my last one at a party in '98 and I eventually decided to throw it out. She was hella gorgeous, though, so it wasn't no big thing.

My homies and I are already planning on asking our parents to pay for tickets to next year's game in Lincoln. Yeah, a couple of my buds are moving back to California after they graduate, but that won't stop us from hooking up with some seriously funny dudes from CyberBuffs.com. They think Nebraska is about as stupid as we do, because they spend a lot of time talking about Nebraska's football team, too, just like my buds and I do in person. I can't wait to show 'em my license plate that says "IH8NEB." Ha! We've still got about eight months yet to come up with some good one-liners and chants, but you can bet we'll yell "Sterrrrr-oids, Sterrrr-oids" when the Huskers come on the field.

Dude, the E-Dog also will totally start yelling at the first old coot who tells us to sit down. Then, after CU smokes the 'Holers in their own back yard and send all those loser fans into a depression for a whole another year, we're gonna drive back west on I-80 and slap some slogans on the overpasses in black and gold spray-paint. Like "Huck the Fuskers" and crap like that. You know, clever stuff, man.

It'll be good for these freaks, who act like this is their religion or something. Man, they're totally obsessed with Nebraska football over there. I'm glad I've got better things to do.

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The son of a lawyer and a plastic surgeon, Ehren "E-Dog" Aldrich is a sixth-year senior at the University of Colorado majoring in business. His column, "Chuckin' Boulders," appears monthly.