'84 Orange Bowl broadcast reaches
Andromeda Galaxy; halts Kree-Skrull War

SKRULLOS, Andromeda Galaxy -- The Kree-Skrull War, an interplanetary struggle between two warrior races for subjugation of the entire cosmos that began nearly 10 million years ago, ended this week. Commanders from both galactic armies agreed to a cease-fire Sunday and immediately began work on the Convention of Fornax, a plan for long-lasting peace in the war-torn galaxy.

The cessation of hostilities was credited to flickering images of NBC's broadcast of the 1984 Orange Bowl Classic reaching Command TeleMonitors aboard Kree and Skrull warships doing battle near the Skrull throneworld of Skrullos. Both races said they were so inspired by the images of then-Nebraska coach Tom Osborne stoically calling for a two-point play with 48 seconds left, they resolved to put down their arms for good. Miami (Fla.) went on to edge top-ranked Nebraska in one of the most thrilling bowl games ever played. 

"To see a mere Homo Sapien -- a weak race, really -- express such amazing courage ... well, it was  beyond anything any of us had ever witnessed before in all the cosmos," said Ael-Dan, supreme commander of the Kree Imperial Starforce. "For the last 10 million years we and our once-hated enemies have constantly waged battle, and have not paused to consider that in life, success should not be measured in terms of wins. 

"It is more than winning."

Traveling at light speed (1.86 million miles/second), the Orange Bowl broadcast took just over 18 years to reach the core of the Skrull Empire, which is about 650 kiloparsecs from Earth and is nestled inside Andromeda (or M31 as it is known to most Earth astronomers). The contest, which was commentated by NBC veteran broadcasters Don Criqui and Bob Trumpy, was intercepted almost simultaneously by Ael-Dan and S'Byll, the Skrulls' Exhalted Leader.

Photon flashes and fiery explosions quickly ceased as the warring sides began to watch the gripping drama unfold in Miami. Kree gazed intently on their monitors as the Hurricanes raced to a 17-0 first-quarter lead behind freshman Bernie Kosar's unorthodox throwing style, only to see Nebraska cut the deficit to three right before halftime on the famous "Fumbleroosky" play. Many Skrulls later said they were surprised to see the Hurricanes bolt to a 31-17 fourth-quarter cushion only to witness the Cornhuskers pull within 31-30 in the game's final minute to set the stage for Osborne's decision.

"It is safe to say that Kree and Skrull alike mourned" as Miami safety Ken Calhoun tipped Nebraska quarterback Turner Gill's two-point pass, sending it veering off course and causing it to fall incomplete, the Skrull commander said.

"At first, I felt great sadness in that the Cornhuskers -- who had struggled so mightily to overcome the sandy turf, a number of ill-timed turnovers and Irving Fryar's dropping of one of the most catchable passes in the history of the universe -- fall to such an inferior foe in the final seconds," S'Byll said. "To witness Tom Osborne hunched over, hands on his frail, humanoid knees, was enough to make even the stoutest of Skrulls weep.

"But his next reaction -- to applaud his vanquished team as they approached the sideline -- well, that is alien to us. In his lowest moment, he never stood taller. It was in the presence of such a noble act that we knew that there must be peace in the galaxy."

The Kree-Skrull War began in the Earth year of 9.98 million B.C., when the Skrulls discovered the Kree home planet, Hala, and attempted to incorporate it into their burgeoning empire. This enraged the Kree, empire-builders of their own, who then began attacking Skrull outposts and eventually Skrullos itself. Thus began the protracted conflict, which had no end in sight until the Orange Bowl broadcast's arrival.

Reports of joyous revelers were widespread Sunday on Hala. In Kree-La, the world's largest City-State, a large statue of a young, earphoned Osborne was being erected. "War is over!" screamed a banner headline in the Hala Herald, a 700 billion-circulation daily newspaper of the Kree Empire. 

"We all need to be more forgiving and understanding of each other," read the end of the story, quoting Osborne's final passage from his 1997 book, On Solid Ground. "What each of us does with a second chance is up to us."

Osborne, who is now a member of the U.S. House of Representatives, said he was pleased to hear that the Kree and the Skrulls have put their long-standing differences behind them. But he cautioned that the galaxy was still "very, very unstable" with reports of sporadic skirmishes despite the cease-fire. 

"I also hope both sides don't get too enraged when they get a whiff of a 1984 Winter Olympics broadcast in a couple of months," Osborne said. "Just the sight of Scott Hamilton out on the ice may very well start up a whole new round of fighting. We'll monitor the situation closely."

Still, Osborne said he would consider invitations to visit both Skrullos and Hala -- just as soon as the November elections are in the books, that is. He added he would not accept any public funds to pay for his trip.

"There's definitely a lot of opportunity there, I think, to open up some new export possibilities for Nebraska products," the congressman said. "I've got three words for them -- ethanol-powered starfreighters."