LINCOLN -- Dave Mossman, an 18-year-old freshman from Aurora, said Friday that his rejection by a University of Nebraska-Lincoln coed was “no big thang.”

According to witnesses, Mossman approached 20-year-old junior Amy Duckett at the Nebraska Union, telling her he was the Husker football team’s “fifth-string punter.”

“I’m redshirting this season,” he said with a sniff, “but Coach says I should get major playing time next year. Seriously. So like, do you like beer?”

Duckett, a business administration major from Millard, said something into her cell phone, then turned to Mossman.

“Look,” she said, flipping her hair, “I don’t care if you’re Bill Friggin' Lafleur. Can’t you see I’m like, hella busy here?”

Later that afternoon, Mossman was left standing alone after telling another young woman he was “a promising walk-on fullback,” then was slapped by a third who misunderstood him when he claimed to be “moving up at tight end.”

In an interview in the Abel Hall cafeteria, Mossman -- who has been practicing white-boy street slang to make women believe he is from an urban center outside Nebraska -- said that last month he spent an entire week telling potential conquests he was a point guard for NU’s basketball team. 

That line failed, too, he said, because no one had seen the team play or seemed to care.

“Man, chicks suck,” said Mossman, who also failed to lure female students to his dorm room with a modified version of the video game “Doom” -- one in which Big 12 coaches are blasted with a variety of high-powered weapons. “It’s ah’ight, it’s no big thang. Just wait until they find out I’m the 'keeper for the men’s soccer team.”

Informed that there was not, in fact, an NU men’s soccer team, Mossman said he’d been “thinking of taking up golf. Or baseball, maybe ... everyone claims to be a big baseball fan around here, but no one knows what any of those guys look like.”