 Dear Asshole Fan at the
Stadium Who Won't Quit Standing Up and Talking on his Cell Phone,
My mother passed away recently after a long illness. It was
truly a blessing in the end. But when my siblings and I sat down for the
reading of her will, she seemed to favor my oldest brother, Stan. For
example, she gave him a larger percentage of her inheritance, plus her
treasured set of china and her vintage collection of vinyl records --
even though Stan doesn't own a record player and Mom knew I'm a big
record buff. Am I looking a gift horse in the mouth, or should I be
upset by this apparent slight?
-- Jilted in Juniata
Dear Jilted,
Hey, can you hear me? Can you hear me? Hey! Hey man! It's me! Guess
where I'm at right now! I'm at the game! ... You are, too? Where you
sitting? No shit? Me too! I'm up here waving. No, up here, in red!
Behind you! Dude, look up! Ah, forget it. Whatchoo guys doing after the
game? We're goin' over to Sandy's on O Street. Big one, on the corner.
OK, man, we'll see you there. Hey, turn around and look again, I'm right
up here waving at you! Shit, hold on, some guy behind me is yelling at
me. Hey, I gotta go.What's that? No, I'm not going to buy you a Runza
and run it down to you. Bring me some money up here and then I'll buy
you |
one. Oh, you don't want to do
that. Have fun starvin', punk. Aiight, later.
Dear Asshole Fan at the Stadium Who Won't Quit Standing Up and
Talking on His Cell Phone,
I am a single, reasonably attractive woman who works in a
small office. My problem is the man in the cubicle next to mine. He
constantly flirts with me, and it has become uncomfortable. I don't
believe in dating coworkers, and I don't think I'd be interested in him
even if I did. Since we work in such close quarters, how do I tell him
to buzz off without complicating our working relationship?
-- Worried in Weeping Water
Dear Worried,
Hello? Hey, Randy. Yeah, I'm at the game, man! Hold
on a minute, I can't hear you very well. I'm gonna have to stand up.
There, that's better. So, what's going on? ... uh huh ... hmmmm. OK. So
what did you say to that? LOOK OUT, STUPID! What? No, sorry, I was
yelling at our quarterback, not you, go on. No shit? Wow, man, Marcie
must've been really pissed when you said that. You know what I'd do man?
I'd dump her ass, like, tonight, and then head over to that kegger on
23rd and U and find a girl just like her, nail 'er and then dump her,
too, man. That's what a real man would do. C'MON LORD! THROW THE STUPID
BALL! I can't hear you. Call me back when this drive's over.
|
Dear Asshole Fan at the
Stadium Who Won't Quit Standing Up and Talking on His Cell Phone,
My husband works 10-hour days, then comes home
and spends all evening on Internet message boards. It's like I don't
exist any more. The other day I bought a new outfit and had my hair
done, and he didn't even take the time to notice. Is there a way for me
to talk to him about this, or is he a lost cause?
-- Uncomfortable in Unadilla
Dear Uncomfortable,
Dude, did you see that play? Was that frickin'
incredible, or what? How the hell did he break that tackle with all
those guys hangin' all over him? Hey man, it looked even better
here in person, dude! Ha ha! Hey man, put Marcie on the phone.... say,
Mar-SAY! You still lookin' good? Mmm, hmmm, you know that you are, baby.
Hey, you see me on TV yet, or what? No? Well howzabout you see me
later, then? I dunno ... 10:30, your place? I need some time to get out
of here ... just tell Randy you've got a headache. 'Kay, see you later,
babe. Aiight.
The jerk sitting right in front of you is a nationally syndicated
columnist whose weekly column, Ask An Asshole Fan At The Stadium Who
Won't Quit Standing Up and Talking On His Cell Phone, appears in more
than 250 newspapers nationwide. |