THE BUGMUNCH -- Nation/World

Single-minded idiot worries how much the war
in Iraq will hurt Nebraska football recruiting

MARION, Iowa -- As he and two friends somberly watched news coverage Monday of the war in Iraq, single-minded idiot Timothy Klemmert wondered aloud if a protracted struggle in the Persian Gulf would adversely affect the recruiting efforts of the Nebraska Cornhuskers, his favorite college football team.

"There's a long, difficult road ahead," said Klemmert, 28, as he sat in front of his TV with friends Ryan Baker, 26, and Jared Pounds, 27. "And as the chances of this battle being fought in city streets increase, along with the chances of American and British casualties, you just have to ask yourself -- how bad is this going to hurt the Huskers' chances of landing a Top 10 class next year?"

After a long silence and against his better judgment, Baker asked Klemmert what the hell the deadly conflict in Iraq had to do with Nebraska football.

"From reading Internet message boards over the last several years, I definitely know one thing to be true," Klemmert replied, taking a chug from a Miller Lite can kept frigid by a Husker koozie. "And that's that absolutely everything hurts Nebraska football recruiting. Dreary Midwestern weather, off-color comments by fans in an Internet chat room, ugly girls with bad perms, going .500 for the first time in 41 years... you name it, and it can hamper recruiting. It's a delicate thing, really like the environment. That said, I can't imagine how this war will help us in any way in our quest to land a five-star stud middle linebacker."

Pounds suggested that most Americans had more relevant and immediate concerns about the war in the Middle East, such as the morale and well-being of coalition troops. Baker added that some citizens were concerned about the long-term ramifications of American occupation of the Arab state, including the legitimate fear that perceived American aggression by militant Islamic terrorists would motivate more sneak attacks on the United States.

"Yeah, well, tell that to Tommy Zbikowski. Or better yet, tell it to Ian Yates-Cunningham, man," said Klemmert, who spends most of his work day perusing online pay-for-information college football recruiting Web sites. "Do you suppose that, with this war brewing all of last winter, those guys maybe wanted to stay a little closer to home in the end? That their parents would be scared to fly all the way to Lincoln each week, what with the terror alert level at "High" all of the time? I mean, feel free to join me out here in the real world any time, guys. Those of us with a little perspective realize that the longer this war goes on, the harder it will be for our coaches to get all of those out-of-state blue-chippers."

In a futile attempt to change the subject, Pounds mentioned how surprised he was at the resistance Iraqi forces were putting up in the face of the American military machine. Klemmert, however, sighed and said history has shown that big underdogs have enjoyed a history of defending their homes with reckless abandon.

"If there's a historic parallel to make with this conflict, it would, obviously, be the 2001 Nebraska-Baylor game," Klemmert said. "You'll recall that battle took place in really bad weather, too, and that bogged down the faster, more powerful Husker forces at first. But once the weather cleared, the Huskers unleashed a massive ground campaign, and the victorious outcome was all but assured. In the end, the enemy's defenses collapsed, which eventually led to a regime change. That's what I'm hoping for in Iraq, too."

Baker thought momentarily about bringing up President George W. Bush's so-called "Axis of Evil" comments to see what strange parallels Klemmert would make with the information, but thought better of it and turned the channel to MTV instead.

 "Sorority Life is on, man," he said. "Let's watch that. Those chicks are hot."

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