THE BUGMUNCH -- Local News
Everything Except Football Now Gone
From University Budget
Lawmakers vote to eliminate
teaching, research, outreach; shift UNL's focus to play-action passing
LINCOLN -- In a sweeping move to reprioritize university goals and solve the state's multimillion-dollar budget shortfall in one fell swoop, the Nebraska Legislature voted Monday to eliminate all programs at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, except football.
The state had been facing a $300 million budget hole for the coming fiscal year. However, by cutting $404.5 million of UNL's $412.5 million budget -- and leaving $8 million to run the football team -- the state is expected to be back in the black by the end of June, an elated Gov. Mike Johanns said.
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"Today, in a spirit of bipartisan cooperation never before seen in this statehouse, lawmakers helped to ensure a bright future for the people of this state," Johanns said while flanked by Lil Red at a press conference in the Unicameral chamber following the 48-1 vote. "They did it by asking some difficult questions, such as 'What is most important to Nebraskans?' Well, let me give you a little hint: It wasn't exactly the pride of knowing we've got a world-class theater arts program, if you know what I mean."
The latest round of cuts followed several UNL budget adjustments prompted by the massive state budget shortfall. Among other things, Chancellor Harvey Perlman had previously instituted a steep tuition hike, cuts in administrative costs, elimination of low-quality programs and salary freezes or adjustments for all faculty.
Perlman had tried to make earlier cuts amenable to the university's age-old, three-pronged mission of teaching, research and outreach. He announced that effective immediately, UNL will have a new, two-pronged mission: First, establish the power running game and then, use more play-action passing, especially on first down.
"As it turns out, 90 percent of Nebraskans would've shut this leviathan of an operation down a long time ago, but didn't want to mess up the Huskers' chances of winning the national championship by bringing on any messy NCAA sanctions," Perlman said. "This legislation eliminates that concern. Quite frankly, I was skeptical of this plan at first, but it has become increasingly clear that our university will perform much more smoothly now that the players don't have to worry about academic distractions, like grades and homework. And who can argue with throwing a little more on first down? Even quibble with it?"
Sen. Chris Beutler of Lincoln shrugged his shoulders at reporters following the vote. "It's the only thing the school was ever known for, anyway," he said, sighing.
Around the state, news of the university's elimination was met with overwhelming indifference.
"Whatever," said John Carter of Scottsbluff, a Hostess Cakes delivery man who did not attend college but who can recite every Nebraska bowl-game score since 1962. "Hell, until you asked me about it, I had no friggin' idea that there was a school to go along with our football team. Well, that sounds like it would be a big waste of players' time to me, so I think it's a good idea to whack it. What's that? Do I think it will help the long-term economic health of the state? Well, not if Lord is still the starting quarterback next year, it won't."
In Omaha, Joe Alexander gave "100 percent approval" to the budget plan, saying lawmakers were "exercising fiscal responsibility" while providing true representation for Nebraskans.
"I'd say it's damn well about time we stuck it to those hippies," Alexander said. "UNL is full of a bunch of socialist liberal democrat communist bleeding-heart Saddam-lovers anyway, and you and I know that none of them are real football fans. It's time to give the university back to the people who pay for it. So good riddance to the whole evil hedonistic socialist lot of them. Let 'em go spread their Marxist lies at someplace liberal, like Iowa or something."
Hebron farmer Orville G. Weidel, a 1952 NU graduate, said he was sad to see his alma mater close, but understood the reasons behind the move.
"Coming from a small town in rural Nebraska, I think everything should be run like a business," said Weidel. "After all, we gave the university 134 years to turn a profit, and it never could do it. Our football team, in the meantime, figured out a way to make money hand over fist. It's just simply economics."
Both Weidel and Alexander expressed worry, however, that the Cornhuskers' status as a member of the Big 12 Conference would be affected by the Legislature's action. As a member of the Big 12, the school receives anywhere from $2 million to $5 million a year in television and bowl revenues -- money that the men said is desperately needed to spruce up the football program's facilities. The last major upgrade, a $36.1 million boost, was four long years ago, in 1999.
"I suppose now those goddamned elitist Texas schools will use this as an opportunity to try to boot us out now, on some stupid academic technicality," Alexander said. "Like the one that says in order to be a Big 12 school you have to be ... well, a school. First they push for limits on how many partial qualifiers can play each year, and now this. It's just another example of that Texas arrogance. We should've never let those sons of bitches into the Big 8."
A student-organized "Farewell, Nebraska" protest was planned for this afternoon in front of the Nebraska Student Union before classes were let out for the final time today. Alexander scoffed at the notion of youthful activism.
"If they don't like how things are done here, then they should just leave the state," he said.
Sen. Ernie Chambers of Omaha cast the only dissenting vote. Ironically, passage of the legislation also paved the way for approval of an unrelated bill to provide stipends to football players, which was sponsored by Chambers. Funds from the newly created $100 million state budget surplus will used to cover player salary costs.
Perlman, who was dean of the law school before becoming chancellor, said his future with the institution was unclear now that the need for a top academic officer has been eliminated. However, early speculation was that a new administrative position would be created for Perlman that would make use of his Juris Doctorate.
"Hopefully, I can stay on as the team's legal counsel," Perlman said. "Lord knows they'll always need representation, as much booze as those guys put away."
